My Mom is a...uh...er...Mom.

SAHM. Even the acronym is unappealing. This is the first time I've ever used it. Maybe the last.

On the off chance that I find myself solely in the company of adults, I avoid the question of "what do you do" for as long as possible. "Um, I live the housewife existence my mother dreamed of for herself." Shudder.

Really, all I need to do is say that I "stay at home" and my wish for the inane small talk to end comes true. My chit-chat partner suddenly needs a new drink, or turns a fake smile towards a stranger while mumbling something about needing to catch up. So my life choices are useful at times as well.

The last ten years at home has turned me into somewhat of an isolate. I often like it that way. Much like my youngest daughter, I enjoy my own company. I have less patience for adults now and much more for children. Except for those little Eddie Haskells who we all can spot from a mile away. I pretty much want to do us all a favor and choke them into oblivion.

If not already apparent, I'm a bit conflicted about my role as wife and mom. Don't worry, this won't be a rant about the unappreciated slaves that us SAHMS's have become, those circumstances are of our own making. I'm going to focus on the skills that I have acquired in the past decade at home. I wonder, as I ponder the option of going back to the grown-up world of paid employment, if any will enhance my dusty resume?

#1 I can pick up almost anything with my toes. As a baby, my first child would erupt into horrific maniacal screeching if I tried to put her down...but also enjoyed dropping shit onto the ground that she couldn't live without. I can now retrieve everything from a pacifier to a blanket with my versatile lower digits.

#2 I have no problem with nudity. I am now mature enough to realize that nudity isn't just for sexually stunted porn consumers. Potty training is a breeze when you lock 'em outside naked. There's also the frugality bonus, I didn't waste money on pull-ups or even pajamas for that matter...

#3 Air travel is much less irritating than when I was younger. Time was...I negatively judged the parents of screaming babies, kicking toddlers and whiny tweens. Now I'm so grateful when it's not my own kids that I quietly suffer the distress of other parents in blissful empathy.

#4 I am an expert short-order cook. I've come to understand that some foods are made for adults. I love smoked oysters and blue cheese, but I know for a fact that I'd love them just a tad bit less after watching my kid puke them into her dinner plate after I forced her to eat what I wanted for dinner.

#5 I can predetermine a future employee's assets while suctioning beads out of a toddler's bleeding nose. Babysitters, house painters, pool guys, general contractors...all have interviewed while suffering through my divided attention. Those who see past the t-shirts and grime, even manage to flirt a bit, either with me or my kids, are often rewarded with work. EOE be damned.

#6 I no longer underestimate the buying power of the under ten age group. I am as pro "postconsumer world" as the next eco-mom hypocrite, but guess who I'm buying for at each trip to Target, Vons or Costco? I just try to invest in as little plastic or free advertising as possible...

So, with multitasking, managing under budget, supervisory experience, availability to travel and work under pressure, and so many more UNIQUE qualities to add to my resume, I'm sure I'll be employed in no time. My kids will finally be able to say "my mom's a ______", and I'll be longing for my old SAHM days.