I'm pretty sure you can't read this, but I'll apologize anyway.

I lost my dad two years ago today.
When I first got the call that he had somewhat unexpectedly passed away, I felt mostly relief.
He had suffered for years with debilitating and progressive dementia. With his death, the burden of his lost mind yet functioning body was lifted from my step-mom as well as me and my brothers and sisters.
The timing was also just before Christmas and my family and I were in the process of selling our beloved Pasadena home and moving our lives across the country to New York.
I was busy trying to create a happy holiday, move away from everything familiar, still recovering from surgery complications from a year earlier, and ill with an undiagnosed autoimmune disease.
I didn't give myself time to mourn.
Flash forward to the present and I am struggling with a daughter who is making stupid teenager bad choices. I can't stop crying these last few days because of it, and I've felt somewhat confused at the depth of my sorrow.  I mean, we've all lived through those years, right?  It shouldn't be so difficult to parent them with the benefit of hindsight...
I realized this morning that my desperate sadness is tied in with my loss from two years ago that's never been examined.  My dad struggled with mental illness as well as the addictive disorders that come along with self medicating those issues.  His early decline was a result of those lifelong struggles and I never questioned or challenged his choices, or shared his life from an adult perspective.  Now all those issues, both genetic and learned, are tied up in my challenge of parenting a highly intelligent, but also highly anxious teen who seems to be trying out any and all recreational substances.
Sigh.
Sorry Dad, that I was glad that you died, I miss you.
I have so many questions I never got to ask.
And I don't think I apologized for my teen years.
And I'm sure I didn't say I love you enough.
Also, you forgot to say sorry to your kids.
I love you
That's all.

And so I cry.

Aren't you scared?
I stayed up all night
to check your breathing every hour.
And I cried
because you think it's cool
to drink
until you can't even sit or stand
and lose control of your speech and bladder
and unlock doors that allow your friends
to steal from us
so they can do the same thing.
So I cry.

Aren't you scared
that we are the enemy?
To be deceived
evaded and belittled
for our guidance.
In the light of your choices
I don't see normalcy
but shock
where no one is breathing or blinking
with Christmas wishes for cash
to fund your fun
and values tossed aside as childish
in favor of fitting in.
I can't stop crying.

Aren't you scared?
The choices we made to create for you a
memorable safe and meaningful
life are now
a burden to be
discarded in a quest for the
destruction of your intelligence
beauty and future.

I am scared
So instead of sleep
I cry.
And I think how stupid to provide things
I thought were special
when what you want is
freedom
to face plant on boulders
and into the fire with people who
abandon you in the dark and damage and
steal from you
And to take the money that you saved
for your future
and turn it all into
ashes and piss.