How to shop for wedding dresses for your beach-bum-comfort-addicted-accessory-challenged-school-uniform-wearing tween daughters.
1. Slug back a few drinks. Your husband can drive, he's coming along because he is incapable of spending time alone.
2. Hit the children's sections at Ross, TJ Maxx and Marshalls one week after Easter and hope for a clearance bonanza on badly made, highly flammable, pastel explosions of "unique" fabrics and cuts.
3. Watch your daughter's faces go ashen at the selection. Internally relive countless horrible "you have to wear this" moments from your own childhood.
4. Find one perfect match for the child who cares the least about what's on her body. Start praying to the dress gods that you will not have to commission a one-of-a-kind piece for what the other child has in mind.
5. While the oldest is trying on the trillionth ugly dress, ask how she would like to do her hair in an attempt to distract from the fact that her legs are exposed. Her legs are hairier than a testosterone soaked Greek man, and if she notices her lower extremities she'll again beg for the bleaching cream torture. That's FUN.
5. Realize that whatever the end product of all this shopping, chances are, flip-flops or Uggs will not be the appropriate shoe for the outfit and the shopping will start all over again tomorrow.
6. Wind up the first day by bribing everyone to let you shop alone the next day.
7. Remember that shopping alone means having to shop sober, have a change of heart and invite them all along for round two.
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You are too funny. Miss you!
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